the new year

thank heavens the christmas holidays are over.  i will not again put so much effort into trying to make everyone happy.  with the marriage came three daughters-in-law and 4 grandchildren.  i find it's easy to buy stuff for kids but the older ones..........from now on it's just a 'comfortable' sized (for me) money gift.  it takes up too much time and i don't have the energy to do all that again.  i usually don't do new year's resolutions but look at the new year as an opportunity to move forward, generally in a particular direction.  this year is to get my back fixed and pile up a bunch of money by the end of next year.  by april all of my debt will be paid off.  that's eliminates $424.28 from the household budget.  what to do with it all.........the main goal is to pay off the mortgage earlier.  if we do, i'll be able to retire at 65 and work part time.  i so want that now  but..........this summer we need to replace the patio cover, my sweet baboo needs hearing aids and i want to paint the kitchen cabinets.  and we'd just like to go to the movies once in awhile.  remember when popcorn was 10 cents.  i feel more content in my life than i have in a long time.  i'm in a stable relationship, which i have never had in my life, though it's a ongoing project.  and i believe it's my husband's first stable relationship also.  we have both learned alot.  me that i will not put up with certain behaviors and will stand up for my feelings, ok, and not be so bossy and controling, and him, he's had to learn to step up and take responsiblity and reevaluate some of his beliefs about how he fits into 'things'.  this has not hurt either one of us and we'ver learned alot about 'true love'.  i have never felt safe in a relationship and i'm feeling pretty safe these days.  i would not say this in front of my therapist as he'll want some credit for that.  he's already got such a big head.  but he worked hard to push me out of my comfort zone, and it wasn't pretty.  so the first thing is to get my back fixed, the lower disc being completely blown out but at least the upper back doesn't need surgery, yet.  i need to be able to take care of the business i want to take care of and i don't like waiting for someone to help me, though i've learned to ask, sometimes.  my little canoe is bobbing up and down in the water and i'm just hoping for few rapids this year.  i hope the same for everyone else.  really.

another season change

alas, fall is here to be quickly followed by winter.  i hate winter.  it's cold and, hopefully, wet.  i hate being cold, i hate cold toes, and i have the utility bills which become too damned high because i hate to be cold.  while i'd love to install a gas fireplace, that works when the power goes off, in the living room, the financial aspect stops me from doing so.  i've become frugal with age, bummer.  i kinda miss the days of having way more shoes than i can possibly wear.  but i had to come to terms with the weather change and have started making the interior changes for winter.  several years ago i invested in some beautiful fabric, waiting until it went on sale half price, and made gorgeous full wall drapery for my living room.  as much as i hate to give up the wonderful sheers used for summer, when the winter drapery goes up i'm always glad i went through all the trouble to make them.  i also have an agreement with a friend that if i ever start talking about making drapery for my house again she's to smack me until i get over it.  but they're beautiful cranberry with woven gold dragonflies with pillows that match.  and the side windows have silky embroidered curtains that coordinate.  this is where changing out the accessories can make weather changes tolerable.  surrounding myself with different and beautiful decor makes me feel better.  the bedroom drapes go up this weekend.  it's the same drapery but will be hung differently.  on a pretty rod and without the heavy valance.  now i just need someone, ok me, to go to the laundry mat and wash the winter bedspread so it can go on. 

wedding pictures

now that all the hoopla that is a wedding has died down, the pictures have arrived.  we went as economical as possible, $800 from greg arens photography, purchasing a package for 3 hrs of time, a slide show with music, and a cd with all the pictures.  it really does take 6-8 weeks but the wait was worth it.  the slide show with music is beautiful, great pictures.  but i dont' identify with the bride.  i look at the pictures but i don't see me.  i was sick as a dog for the wedding so that might be part of it........but i feel disconnected.  i'm not sure what this means.  but we look really good and obviously the guests are having a wonderful time and we got great pictures of the attendees.  i've enjoyed those the most.  the delightful groom is disappointed that not everyone is as excited about seeing the pictures as we are and want lots of pictures for themselves.  i think the disappointment comes from the lack of interest by some family members, but we could say that about the whole wedding.  he doesn't understand that, neither do i, but my feelings are hurt more than anything.  it is what it is.  thank heavens for wonderful friends who get excited just because you are.  we'll probably have a soiree for those folks to see the dvd and then we just move on.

what with the groom working incessently so that it appears that i live alone again, i've had to create projects around the house to keep me from losing my mind.  i just get used to having someone around all the time, and then they're not.  the projects are not a bad thing.  as you know, i am a big proponent of improving your surroundings.  so i have been painting out all the window trim and doors in the house.  while not terribly noticiable it makes the whole room look fresher.  i like that.  now i've added on completing all painting projects which includes my kitchen.  there is not alot to paint but alot of taping.  this is what has kept me from painting the kitchen, which will include painting the cabinets.  i'm not going to be getting new cabinets in this decade so i might as well make them look better.  i think the amount of detail work stops lots of people but i am going to get this done and will share the challenges.  i'm sure i will be delighted when it's done, but i have to get started.  there's the real challenge.

the dog days of summer

i'm not sure how it got to august already.  i suppose it because the heat started late this year, and this summer has been busy, what with the wedding etc.  i have a bunch of stuff i'd like to get done but with my back blown out i can't do them.  needless to say, i'm bored and fussy.  what i have been doing is the last of the detail work from painting all the rooms in my house.  i find that by the time i get a room painted i'm too tired to do the detail work and don't want it to be messy so it doesn't get done, so the window trim has continued to be an ugly brown.  now that they are painted, the rooms look more complete and clean.  i doubt anyone would be able to put their finger on the difference but it looks great.  so i'm on a mission to get it all done.  i am a lover of instant gratification.  more people should try this outlook.  a completed project can make your day.  especially when it pertains to your surroundings.  when you feel good in your home it makes you feel good, or content is a better word.  and let's face it, our days are full of all kinds of things we have to do, when we get home it should be sanctuary.  and a little paint and effort can transform your space into a delight for yourself.  and if we can't delight ourselves, we waste alot of time waiting for someone else to give it to us.  that just doesn't work.  and it's hard lesson to learn and so many people never do.  i may have been a late bloomer, but thank heavens i evolved.

one month

who woulda thought i'd be excited about a one month wedding anniversary, not me!!  but i am.  i never, ever thought i would be in a stable relationship, hell i didn't even know what a stable relationship was, but i am.  and i find that i love this man more and more all the time.  surprisingly he feels more secure since the wedding and has taken on 'ownership' of his surroundings, which means he takes on chores that i would have had to ask to be done.  i don't really understand this but i'll take it.  it's wonderful.  he asked me if i didn't feel different since the wedding but i don't.  i was already committed.  we were going to spend the day together but i can't get the day off and now my honey bunny is home without me.  he'll wind up doing work for his job as usual.  but i am wearing my wedding underpants and the bracelet he bought me for a wedding gift.  so i've given up whining about being at work and will just bask in the security of being loved.

change of life

now that the nuputials are over my mind has many other places to go.  ok, some of them are a little crazy, but i don't think that's a bad thing.  one of my thought patterns has been to redecorate my home.  if it was up to me, and the finances, i would be changing out all the drapery/curtains every coupla years.  i'm there now but spending money on drapery is not on the list.  hopefully next year.  but i'm ready for new wall color.  my project this summer is to finish painting all the trim that wasn't painted originally, and putting down baseboard, which is not expensive.  i just like everything needs to be freshened up.  changing the colors are your walls is not difficult, not too expensive, and give you wonderful instant gratification.  i love instant gratificiation.  so do most people.  it's what makes us run out in the spring and buy flowers to plant.  the color makes us feel better.  i want my rooms to feel better.  ok, i want to feel better.  don't get me wrong, the new marriage is wonderful.  it is truly the first time in my life that i have felt unconditionally loved by another person.  dogs don't count cuz they love you no matter what.  people, not so much.  but i feel most content in my personal/love life than ever.  the man i married is wonderful and loves me exactly the way i am.  i have never had to act like someone i'm not and i made that deal with myself when i started dating him.  i spent too many years feeling not good enough and like damaged goods.  screw that, don't let other people dictate how you feel about yourself.  it ain't easy but it's worth the effort.  the number of changes in my life in the past few years has been substantial, but rarely easy.  some people get to take credit for alot of this but we don't want to let his ego get out of control.........but i feel lost right now.  i've been working at the same job too long.  while it's good to be queen, i just need soemhting different but really don't want to change the other aspects of my working life.  i would be lost not attending the thursday lunch group, my coworkers are alot like family and i am very fond of many of them, and i make, while not alot of money, a reasonable amount.  what i want is to work part time, what not's going to happen is that i can't work part time.  so i'm looking for a new avenue to travel down and don't have a clue where that avenue is. 

i'm married

i have survived the angst of putting a wedding together and am officially married.  if you had asked just a few years ago if i thought i'd get married again i would have told you no.  i couldn't even imagine sharing my space with anyone else.  now he's working swing shifts and it annoys me when he's not here in the evenings.  i know, it's his job. 

the wedding was wonderful.  i don't know what else i could have wanted, well, to get everyone up to dance.  family from texas attended.  i was more than delighted to have them come out just for my wedding.  one of the groom's daughers came from florida with her little boy so two of his three were here and for father's day as well.  it's been a long time since i've had a small child tearing around with all that energy.  if only i could harness some of it.  he was adorable as is his mother. 

one thing i did learn was you can't have a wedding where most of the attendees are 'more mature', this 'sorta' includes the bride and groom, have them sit in the sun for awhile, feed them, provide alcohol, and then load them up on cake and not think everyone will want a nap in the middle of the afternoon. 

and i got sick.  the day before the wedding my allergies went nuts and i had lost my voice by the end of the day.  while some people might rejoice at this, everyone seemed to know i was already totally stressed out and messing with me was not a good idea.  good move on their part.  had very little voice on the wedding day and generally felt lousy.  but this did not deter me and i had a wonderful time but was glad we had some down time in the afternoon.  also it doesn't make for an overwhelming wedding night.  the groom wanted to know if we were going back to our wedding night hotel and act like teenagers.  while i liked that idea i pointed out we could until we fell asleep about 10:00.  ah, the olden days.............

2 days and counting

the wedding continues to get closer.  my wedding sandals have gone missing.  shiney silver with sparkly diamonds, so cute.  we dismantled the house numerous times and could not find them anywhere.  i try to blame the dogs but they don't appear to be wearing sparkly little bracelets or tiaras.  i bought these awhile back and am sure i won't be able to find another pair.  but, alas, i go to the store and they have one pair in my color and size.  god was loving me yesterday.  purple carnations were ordered for the centerpieces.  they actually come from south america thru florida.  they are on time and i am excited to see them.  then i look at box, all the labels say the contents are orange ranoculous.  that is definitely not purple carnations.  i quickly go in the house, hi, hi, hi, to the dogs and go for the scissors to open the box.  i'm pretty sure my heart has stopped by now.  i was truly afraid to lift the lid on the box.  ta dah!  it's purple carnations.  i'm thanking god again.  crisis averted. the list of things to do is staggering.  i realize it will all be just fine but my brain doesn't stop going over the list.  it's very inconvenient to come to work but i'm outta here at noon and the kaos starts on a major scale.  the rehearsal is today and i'll feel better after we work the kinks outta that.  the minister is a friend and i've told him it's his job to keep the hecklers in the audience under control.  i love my friends.  but i am getting my delegation plan in place.  i can't do it all and need to come to terms with it.  i have already apologized to the groom, and my mother, for being short and snappy about almost everything.  deep cleansing breath.  today will be crazy but tomorrow all hell breaks loose.  and there will be relatives all over the place and i'll have to be nice all day.  deep cleansing breath.  my thoughts are that if i can make it to saturday, the wedding day, the worst is over and i'm just looking foward to the honeymoon on the coast so i don't have to do anything on a schedule.  i'm thinking massages would be good.  deep cleansing breath. 

OMG it's here

the upcoming wedding is no longer upcoming, it's here.  saturday's the big day.  i am frantic and frazzled and have decided that i need to let some of this go.  it will work out, or not, but if there is some kind of fiasco none of the attendees will care and will probably make some horrible story to tell about me later.  i'd do it for them.  i have been a total crazed person for several months getting this all ready.  ok, the drama queen may have escaped several times but she reels back in after a few minutes, people should get over it.  but this week the devoted groom and my mother had to get their part ready.  gee, they seem to be frantic and frazzled.  they had to admit that maybe i wasn't overreacting, occasionally, of late.  the groom is in charge of the music.  it's gonna be basic, laptop hooked into the sound system already available.  he does not swear as a rule, me on the other hand..., but i've heard some bad words escape his mouth the past 2 weeks as he puts the music together.  and i'll just get into one of the songs and it abruptly stops.  i have managed to keep my mouth shut during his process, mostly.  as he was prone to telling me when i was frantic, buck up it'll be ok.  my mother is going nuts worrying about the relatives coming in.  i pointed out they are all grown ups and it will be fine.  i did not use the 'buck up' line on her.  just talk her off the ledge.  it's gonna be ok.

tonite is decorating the arbor, tomorrow is the rehearsal, friday centerpieces get made and all the relatives hit town, and then there's nothing i can do, it's the wedding day.  getting my dress zipped up is gonna make my day.  ok, that and actually marrying the man i love.  he is very excited.  how can you go wrong with a groom that is absolutely delighted to be marrying me. 

it's gonna be ok.

the final countdown

my wedding is 9 1/2 days away.  i have found this to be quite stressful, moreso than expected.  and i had grave concerns that i would not become excited instead of overwhelmed.  well, thank heavens, excitement has arrived.  good grief!!!  i'm getting married.  i think some people thought i was having second thoughts about the marriage in general rather than just mild (ok, major sometimes) hysteria.  but the details are indeed falling into place.  i actually knew they would but i fretted in a major way in spite of that.  i can be my own worst enemy, but i think alot of people are.  i can't do this, how am going to do that, it's all gonna go wrong, i'm not worth the effort........  i now describe the event as the spring soiree, for all my friends, and a mini family reunion, which wasn't expected but am delighted it is occuring, with a wedding thrown in for entertainment.  i can hardly wait for the honeymoon afterward so we can get out of town and i can sleep (or whatever) too much.  wait, i don't think you can 'do whatever' too much.  the rain has finally stopped, summer is finally arriving, and my dining room looks like a bridal shop threw up in it.  it'll be nice to have the house back also.  i've been doing my spring cleaning getting ready for guests and bringing out the spring/summer decorative accessories.  i so enjoy my home more with light, bright curtains and pretty colors around.  it makes me feel lighter.  winter is very depressing for me, so let the sun shine in.  and soon i'll know if we came in on budget, which was only $4000, and i think we'll make it.  i'm almost looking forward to having nothing but household expenses to pay for. 

Spring updates and a wedding

i'm getting married in a few weeks.  who knew it would sneak up so quickly, though people warned me it would.  i am frantic with things to do and how to pay for them.  the groom is supportive but lacks the frenzy i am so famous for.  needless to say, there are days in which i am grumpy and hard to get along with. i know, i know, what a surprise.  oh, and throw in my birthday and that the was-wife is in town for 2 weeks for the grandson-to-be's junior high graduation.  i don't remember graduating from anything but high school and now there's a whole production for pre-school.  i think i like the simplier times better.  but i survive in spite of myself.

but this weekend is the long memorial day weekend and that is when i update the house for summer.  all the winter curtains will come down and the light, airy curtains will go up.  it totally changes the way a room looks and adds the much needed light into the room.  i am a proponent of changing your surroundings with the seasons.  go through your stash of things you keep but never do anything with and make some changes in your environment, it's quite therapeutic.  all the dark colors are going away and the pretty blue and white stuff comes out.  it's almost like christmas to open up the storage cabinets in the laundry room, check the cedar chest, and look in the bottom of the closets for the summer stuff.  of course, it does require that you do some spring cleaning.  the dust bunnies on top shelves will fly. 

spring cleaning takes on a whole new meaning this year as we will have a household of people coming through for the wedding.  i am absolutely delighted that my aunts and uncles from texas, also known as 'the texans', are coming for the wedding.  and the groom's youngest daughter and her son are coming from florida.  while there will about 3-4 days of total and complete insanity.  i just keep telling myself that there is an entire week off for the honeymoon afterward.  and i'm sure the wedding will actually be just fine but i may be drinking before it gets here. 

spring has sprung

it's starting to feel like summer outside.  yeah!!  i've opened all the windows lately to air out the winter smell in the house (ok, i'm fighting the pollen), the little dogs are basking in the sun, and i'm ready to bring out the summer decor items.  i won't change the heavier curtains on the windows until it gets a little warmer consistently.  i have beautiful sheers during the summer to allow as much light to come in for as long as it can.  sheers are not expensive and can update your windows beautifully.  changing out drapery, while not seeming like a big deal, makes an enormous difference in the feel of your rooms.  all my decorating stuff is gonna get changed around this weekend.  the shelves need to be cleaned and bright colorful decorations will come out.  i love changing this stuff out with the seasons.  it's kinda like christmas in that you come across stuff you forgot you had.  and as for spring cleaning, i really gotta do it this year.  with the upcoming nupituals in june, we will have plenty of relatives, and i'm delighted, tromping through the house for a week or so and i'd like for the place to cleaner than usual.  you know how relatives are.  and i want the little dogs to have cute matching purple collars so they'll go with the wedding color scheme.  yes it is too important.  the dress is in the closet, the invites are in the mail, and the list of things to do seems rather ominous, so i see my weekends becoming very busy and the wedding is still 6 weeks away.  but i enjoy the instant gratification of changing things around so it shouldn't be too painful. 

here comes the wedding

the wedding is sneaking up on me quickly.  old age must be slowing my reflexies.  i think the only thing that keeps this from getting out of control is that we both want it and know what we want it to be.  in spite of all this, my body has decided to turn on me and i am officially broken.  the lower two vertibrae in my back will need surgery, have to take pain meds and have had a  recent epidural, which as worked pretty well, and, ok, sometimes, i am a total delight to be around.  and steve has been so patient with me.  he's a saint or he's just saving up credits to be used at a later date.  some days it would be ok to just shoot me in the head and get it over with.  i understand better how people in constant pain become addicts.  at least i can be repaired and this will all just be a phase of my life in the long run.  but i've come to realize is that i'm not alone in this angst and i have a wedding coming up and i know it will all be fine.  but damn it, right now i'm really bitchy and my back hurts today. 

there has been a major change in the wedding entourage.  sadly my friend, robin, cannot commit to being my maid of honor.  she has changed states to care for a maturing mother and her life is kinda unsettled these days.  she said she could not make the commitment i deserved for my wedding.  i love robin.  however, i've had a feeling about this for some time and realized i needed to give this some thought.  the decision was easy once i thought about it.  i am a strong believer that our souls are reincarnated and i feel sometimes we connect with certain people from the very beginning.  my belief is that there was a relationship with this soul in another life and it just picks back up.  even if i don't see that person very often the instant we're in each other's presence we pick back up.  i have several friends i feel i have this connection with.  so when it came time to truly think about a new maid of honor i instantly thought of my friend, julia.  i have known julia for about 10 years and she became like a little sister.  and she is the devil child that little sisters frequently are.  she is most outrageous but with a heart that is soft, sweet and childlike.  we are both every excited.  it's gonna be interesting. 

the wedding is on

january was my deadline for deciding if the wedding was a go or not, at least it was my deadline.  well, the dress is ordered, modern bridal online, the invitations, vista print, are on their way, the photographer, greg arens, has his deposit, saturday we put the deposit down on the cake, van gooey cakes, a wonderful friend is arranging the food for the reception for a deal, and i have a folder full of all the details along with a calendar to keep me on track.  it appears we will pull this wedding off within budget, which ain't much, $4000.  my dress is not the traditional wedding dress.....i don't know, too old, what do i do with it afterward.....so the dress is a royal purple, strapless, ballgown.  i want to wear sparkly jewelry.  since diamonds are not on my list, i planned on rhinestones, lots of them.  during the weekend my mother tells me she as uncovered a bunch of her old jewelry and there are three rhinestone necklaces with dangly earrings.  one of them is perfect.  it's not as splashy i was planning but quite beautiful so the jewelry has now been selected.  both my mother and i are delighted i am going to wear her jewelry.  something old and borrowed all in one.  oen expense eliminated from the list.  and i've decided shoes that no one actually sees are not a priority any longer.  comfy sandals i already have, done.  another expense gone.  however, i've fallen in love with a very expensive nightgown, claire pettibone's athena, $150, which i keep cooing over.  gorgeous lace, slit up the side, so it covers up my horribly pudgey knees, great clevage.  hoping to find a much more economical subsitute for that.  why do lingerie people think short is the way to go.  i have terribly legs and exposing them does not makes me feel sexy.  oh dear, i'll have to go shopping.  the angst of planning a wedding. 

more changes

i'm getting married on june 18th.  the date was set a year in advance for a variety of reasons.  one being that i make horrible decisions with who i share my personal time so it was imperative to me that i not do that ever again.  so i gave myself until the beginning of the new year to make concrete decisions about my future with this wonderful man, steve, i'm living with.  it has not all been a bed of roses and i guess that was one the determining factors in the decision process.  when we hit a particularly rough spot last summer steve asked me if this was a relationship buster.  my response was that if we couldn't work through this, then we didn't have a relationship anyways.  we worked through it and have come out on the other side intact.  and better for it.  we are both older and pretty set in our ways.  ok, i'm kinda of a control freak and a drama queen and steve is not.  it's a good combo and it has a wonderful calming effect on me.  and even on the little dogs.  and the hardest thing for me was to learn how to pick my battles and compromise.  i am absolutely against name calling and petty crap.  if you're upset with me, say so, don't be passive aggressive about it.  and steve is no longer afraid of the drama queen.  even when i see him sleeping in the recliner, what is with men and recliners, i see myself spending the rest of my life with him and i can't say that i've ever given felt this way before in my entire life.  while getting older has been traumatic for me, again the drama queen, i have so much more contentment in my life and i wouldn't have been able to find it until i got here. 

Life Changes

it's the new year and i'm still wondering what i'm suppose to do about it.  i'm thinking i really don't need to do anything about it.  i know what changes that are planned this year and what i need to do about them but about the surprises.  i cannot say i'm always delighted by surprises.  the biggest change i'm making this year is that i'm getting married in june.  i am already cohabitating with my fiance so i'm not really anticipating any massive changes there.  however, we decided late last year that it was time for him to leave the job he had, due to hostile work environment, bullies never grow up, and do something different.  we both knew this was not going to be a good time.  when they started cutting his hours toward the end of the year, as they have every year, he resigned.  i knew that he would not go forward as long as he had some kind of safe place to be, hostile or not.  it has been a tough few months and christmas, while still nice, was hard on both of us financially.  alas, he started a new job this week.  i am still flabbergasted at the transformation in the way he feels about everything.  he is a kind, comforting person and wants to be able to help others.  so he is doing in-home care.  personally, i couldn't do it but i can see that it would be something he'd be good at.  and after working his first shift, he is delighted with the job, and it entails things i don't wanna be doing for other people.  but he is helping people who need help and that's obviously what he was meant to do.  it's not big money by any means but i so want him to be doing something that he is content with rather than sucking the life out of him by the end of the day.  i think we all need to look at this kind of change as we get older.  what brings contentment to my life, how can i share that contentment with others to enhance theirs.  with this changes in his job it means that i will be home alone three nights a week.  last night was tough for me.  i lived alone for over 9 years so it's not like i've never been alone, and i liked being alone.  i never thought i would be able to live with anyone else again but, damn it, i became quite accustumed to it.  but i also realize this open some new doors for me also.  i have projects around the house that need my attention.  my decorative pieces are just screaming 'change me around'.  the house needs to be brightened up now that it is 'the dead of winter'.  yuck!!!  more on those changes to come.  changes are good for us no matter how hard we fight them.  you cannot move forward without change. 

getting married

i'm getting married june 18th.  i never in my wildest dreams ever thought i'd get married again, much less want to.  it'll be a third marriage for me, a second for him, and we won't keep track of everything else in the middle.  i am of the belief that i've made this decision to marry this man, steve, by choice rather i haven't got anything else to do.  this is a brave new world for me and it's taken a long fucking time to get here.  but i'll take it now and try not to dwell on my failures.  i am blessed with the most wonderful friends and i/they want nothing more for me than to have a fun wedding.  and that's the plan.  at my age i am no longer tied down to what family wants or thinks.  ok, they can have an opinion but i'm tied to someone else paying for it and inviting all their friends you don't know or care about.  we're not inviting anyone who doesn't make a difference in our lives for just having known them.  we're gonna play all the old dance music and dance, and eat cake, and have fun.  i've decided that what's it all about, and it's not the hokey pokey.