more recovery

it is a relief to know what day of the week it is and can distinguish day from night but i still take a lot of narcotic meds.  it kinda scares me it takes this amount of meds to keep the potential pain i could have under control.  and i hurt on some level all the time.  and take plenty of naps.  before the surgery i was feeling lost in my life.  or at least in my working life.  i'm tired of the job i have but have little to no options.  i am the main bread winner in the family, and am the one who earns all the retirement funds and the insurance.  but i love the people i work with and can get away with stuff i would never get away with anywhere else.  i don't take advantage but know my worth to the department.  i'm wondering if this time i have to be down with my back surgery recovery is the time i'm suppose take to figure out my direction.  wonderfully, the new marriage, while sometimes a challenge, is doing well and we both feel secure.  how can i feel so lost.