my goal was to age gracefully but this does not seem to be what's happening. it maks me sad. i just wanted to get older and not be sick or broken so that my old age would not be a burden to myself, much less someone else. i want to be healthy, active, feel good and not pee my pants without warning. but i have not hit 60 yet and feel quite broken and not healthy.
i've lost 100 lbs in the past two years. i wanted my health and self respect back. i felt i was reaching a major accomplishment. it did not come easily and without help but i did it. and to frost the cake, i fell in love which i never would ever happen in my life. while i've been married, a couple of times, and others but it wasn't until later in life i that i realized what loving someone, and being loved in return, could be actual reality. there's something kinda sad about not knowing that until i got older, thank god it happened. it was easily one of my biggest fears. htat i would come to the end of my life and not feel loved for exactly who i am, and loving someone else the same way and feeling secure in aspect of my life.
but my next ibggest fear is now becoming a reality which is getting older with some kind of major health issue. i have spinal problems that will most probably run the rest of my life. not only the disc replacement surgery but teh spine is riddled with artritis and scrolisis. fuck!!! while i know that this will heal and i;ll do pretty well, it will always be a battle. i don't want pain to be part of my future. i don't know how to handle this but it makes me scared and sad. thank heavens i have lots of people who love me. i think we all need to remember that more often.
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