stir crazy

while i love being at home living in jammies, it's getting old that i continue to be broken.  there is very little i can actually do and i am bored to tears.  tv is boring, though i do enjoy 'the talk' that comes on at 1pm as it reminds me if going to lunch with my friends, i tired of reading, i can't really do anything around the house without hurting myself, and it will not stop raining.  perfect weather for me to be trapped inside but i'm going crazy.  thank heavens everyone that lives in the household loves me as i'm generally whiney and morose.  and to make it worse, there is something wrong with my right wrist that keeps me from using it, typing is painful.  this also stops me from coloring.  yes coloring.  i planned to buy a princess color book but never got around to it but i have these great print out from a really funky color book that have alot of 3 dimensional and kalidoscope kinda stuff.  and i have a bunch of colored pencils from doing design projects.  and, to add to all the joy, the right side of my back is having spasms.  this is not a good thing and the surgeon is having me come back in.  it's a good thing i don't live on a busy street with fast moving traffic or i'd be thinking about throwing myself in front of something large and fast moving.  and being in the house all day makes me think of house projects that i'd like to do.  no, polishing the furniture isn't one of them, it just needs to be done.  i made the mistake of going to the grocery store by myself and discovered the hard way that you use your back manuveuring a grocery cart around.  so all i have to look forward to is multiple doctor's appts and not good news.  but i am loved by many people including 3 small furry ones so i'll cling to that. 

getting older

my goal was to age gracefully but this does not seem to be what's happening.  it maks me sad.  i just wanted to get older and not be sick or broken so that my old age would not be a burden to myself, much less someone else.  i want to be healthy, active, feel good and not pee my pants without warning.  but i have not hit 60 yet and feel quite broken and not healthy. 

i've lost 100 lbs in the past two years.  i wanted my health and self respect back.  i felt i was reaching a major accomplishment.  it did not come easily and without help but i did it.  and to frost the cake, i fell in love which i never would ever happen in my life.  while i've been married, a couple of times, and others but it wasn't until later in life i that i realized what loving someone, and being loved in return, could be actual reality.  there's something kinda sad about not knowing that until i got older, thank god it happened.  it was easily one of my biggest fears.  htat i would come to the end of my life and not feel loved for exactly who i am, and loving someone else the same way and feeling secure in aspect of my life.   

but my next ibggest fear is now becoming a reality which is getting older with some kind of major health issue.  i have spinal problems that will most probably run the rest of my life.  not only the disc replacement surgery but teh spine is riddled with artritis and scrolisis.  fuck!!!  while i know that this will heal and i;ll do pretty well, it will always be a battle.  i don't want pain to be part of my future.  i don't know how to handle this but it makes me scared and sad.  thank heavens i have lots of people who love me.  i think we all need to remember that more often. 

good parts about being broken

it has been a full month since the back surgery.  it's been a long month, i am exhausted, whiney and taking alot of meds, which i don't like to do, the taking meds parts not the whiney.  today as i stood at the window watching the rain i realized i did not have go out in the rain for any reason.  i hate winter.  i hate being cold.  i now realize the best part of currently being broken is that i do not have to get up early in the cold, get dressed, warm up a cold car, and battle the weather to get to work.  hot damn!!!!!!   i hate doing all of those things.  it rained hard this afternoon, during my nap, which would have been the time i had to drive home.  lucky me.  ya gotta cling to the cheap thrills.  and there is something to say about living in jammies too. 

yesterday i had a doctor's appt, now there's something wrong with my wrist (kill me now), and everyone was busy and i had to drive myself.  this was my first outing alone.  the other errands i needed to do i did before the appt cuz i knew i would be tired by the time it was over, and i was.  now i have to find out what wrongs with my wrist.  there is some theory both by my primary and the surgeon is that sometimes during long surgeries, mine was 4 hours flat on  my face, body parts wind up in off positions and are quite sore afterward.  i don't care, i can't cope with more than one big pain at a time and i've been positiviely weepy.  i really hate that too.  obviously my attitude continues to be 'fussy'. 

now if i can bend over long enough to cut my toenails.  they're looking deadly.

the woes of recovery

i am most probably the most whiney person alive today.  im trying to wean myself from all the meds and it is not easy.  i feel very fragile and am afraid my back will go into spasm any minute.  i live in jammies and get nothing productive done.  doing laundry is a daunting task.  my saving grace is the little dogs being concerned and will always take a nap with me.  and every few days a sweet get well card comes in the mail.  they make my whole day.  while delighted i'm not surprised who they come from as they are not from the people i see very often but have a wonderful loving relationshps.  just this moring i was weepy and feeling very sorry for myself when one of these cards caem in the mail.  i felt so loved.  god bless her. 

recoving from something big and painful is the pits.  it takes so much energy.  but i know eventually i'll heal and move on.  getttng old and being broken and looking forward to contining skeletal/health problems is in the top  of my biggest fears.  but it gives a whole new meaning to people who are constantly in pain.  i't easy to see why how they become alcohoics and drug addicts and their lives turnn to total despair.  it's got to be the worst and i should feel guilty for being so whiney for my recoery but right now i don't care how anyone else feels except for me.  i am selfish right now and i don't care.  thank heavens there are people who love me in spite of myself.

more recovery

it is a relief to know what day of the week it is and can distinguish day from night but i still take a lot of narcotic meds.  it kinda scares me it takes this amount of meds to keep the potential pain i could have under control.  and i hurt on some level all the time.  and take plenty of naps.  before the surgery i was feeling lost in my life.  or at least in my working life.  i'm tired of the job i have but have little to no options.  i am the main bread winner in the family, and am the one who earns all the retirement funds and the insurance.  but i love the people i work with and can get away with stuff i would never get away with anywhere else.  i don't take advantage but know my worth to the department.  i'm wondering if this time i have to be down with my back surgery recovery is the time i'm suppose take to figure out my direction.  wonderfully, the new marriage, while sometimes a challenge, is doing well and we both feel secure.  how can i feel so lost.

recovery

about 3 weeks ago i had major back surgery.  removed a collasped disc, replaced it and bolted the whole thing back together.  to make it worse, the nerves were wedged between the discs on the right and the nerves on the left were wadded up and had to be straighten.  oh yeah!!  4 days in hte hospital, lots of pain killer.  and that 3rd day when all the surgery pain killers wear off give the pain level 10 a whole new meaning.  thank heavens i had wondeful nurses.  i'm still looking at about 8 weeks of recovery but i have to say i enjoy living in jammies.  the morphine has been cut in half and the inflammation meds for the nerve endings is being cut back too but, hey, norco is the kicker pill.  good grief.  i don't understand why my fingers have a problem finding the correct keys and you're think i'l know exactly where the backspace key is by now but no.   but i sit here in my recently rearranged living room and feel warm and cozy.  i'm glad i made a point of moving things around before i had the surgery.  i would think that being secure in your sourrondng during recovery is a good thing.  i'm always in some level of pain and i nap at least twice a day but feel it will only get better.  in fact, today i was able to lean over far enouhg to pick up dropped underwear.