more changes

i'm getting married on june 18th.  the date was set a year in advance for a variety of reasons.  one being that i make horrible decisions with who i share my personal time so it was imperative to me that i not do that ever again.  so i gave myself until the beginning of the new year to make concrete decisions about my future with this wonderful man, steve, i'm living with.  it has not all been a bed of roses and i guess that was one the determining factors in the decision process.  when we hit a particularly rough spot last summer steve asked me if this was a relationship buster.  my response was that if we couldn't work through this, then we didn't have a relationship anyways.  we worked through it and have come out on the other side intact.  and better for it.  we are both older and pretty set in our ways.  ok, i'm kinda of a control freak and a drama queen and steve is not.  it's a good combo and it has a wonderful calming effect on me.  and even on the little dogs.  and the hardest thing for me was to learn how to pick my battles and compromise.  i am absolutely against name calling and petty crap.  if you're upset with me, say so, don't be passive aggressive about it.  and steve is no longer afraid of the drama queen.  even when i see him sleeping in the recliner, what is with men and recliners, i see myself spending the rest of my life with him and i can't say that i've ever given felt this way before in my entire life.  while getting older has been traumatic for me, again the drama queen, i have so much more contentment in my life and i wouldn't have been able to find it until i got here. 

Life Changes

it's the new year and i'm still wondering what i'm suppose to do about it.  i'm thinking i really don't need to do anything about it.  i know what changes that are planned this year and what i need to do about them but about the surprises.  i cannot say i'm always delighted by surprises.  the biggest change i'm making this year is that i'm getting married in june.  i am already cohabitating with my fiance so i'm not really anticipating any massive changes there.  however, we decided late last year that it was time for him to leave the job he had, due to hostile work environment, bullies never grow up, and do something different.  we both knew this was not going to be a good time.  when they started cutting his hours toward the end of the year, as they have every year, he resigned.  i knew that he would not go forward as long as he had some kind of safe place to be, hostile or not.  it has been a tough few months and christmas, while still nice, was hard on both of us financially.  alas, he started a new job this week.  i am still flabbergasted at the transformation in the way he feels about everything.  he is a kind, comforting person and wants to be able to help others.  so he is doing in-home care.  personally, i couldn't do it but i can see that it would be something he'd be good at.  and after working his first shift, he is delighted with the job, and it entails things i don't wanna be doing for other people.  but he is helping people who need help and that's obviously what he was meant to do.  it's not big money by any means but i so want him to be doing something that he is content with rather than sucking the life out of him by the end of the day.  i think we all need to look at this kind of change as we get older.  what brings contentment to my life, how can i share that contentment with others to enhance theirs.  with this changes in his job it means that i will be home alone three nights a week.  last night was tough for me.  i lived alone for over 9 years so it's not like i've never been alone, and i liked being alone.  i never thought i would be able to live with anyone else again but, damn it, i became quite accustumed to it.  but i also realize this open some new doors for me also.  i have projects around the house that need my attention.  my decorative pieces are just screaming 'change me around'.  the house needs to be brightened up now that it is 'the dead of winter'.  yuck!!!  more on those changes to come.  changes are good for us no matter how hard we fight them.  you cannot move forward without change. 

getting married

i'm getting married june 18th.  i never in my wildest dreams ever thought i'd get married again, much less want to.  it'll be a third marriage for me, a second for him, and we won't keep track of everything else in the middle.  i am of the belief that i've made this decision to marry this man, steve, by choice rather i haven't got anything else to do.  this is a brave new world for me and it's taken a long fucking time to get here.  but i'll take it now and try not to dwell on my failures.  i am blessed with the most wonderful friends and i/they want nothing more for me than to have a fun wedding.  and that's the plan.  at my age i am no longer tied down to what family wants or thinks.  ok, they can have an opinion but i'm tied to someone else paying for it and inviting all their friends you don't know or care about.  we're not inviting anyone who doesn't make a difference in our lives for just having known them.  we're gonna play all the old dance music and dance, and eat cake, and have fun.  i've decided that what's it all about, and it's not the hokey pokey.